Some Thoughts (Briefly)

Hi,

...

So I'm really struggling with this project I'm working on right now. These stupid illustrations. I'm feeling really angry and resentful about my use of the female form in like a million different crazy ways right now. I'm feeling really grossed out by the over use of women's bodies in general.  (insert disclaimer about how this isn't about some naked-chicks, is-it-art, open-mind blah blah) BUT ummm...

1) Why am I using these female forms to begin with? I am holding my pencil with my hand. I am controlling it. Why am I choosing these forms to draw? Well because originally I thought they were fashion illustrations but I was kind of confused or maybe not confused, (isn't that a shitty thing about being confused) and now I feel like maybe I could have done something different and I feel really insecure because fashion illustrations are NOT my art, I mean if you asked me, "Hey Smog, what kind of art do you do?" I would tell you maybe oh I do a zine or did a zine or I like to paint but I most likely would NOT say I do fashion illustrations. I mean maybe I CAN do them but I don't just do them in my free time.
2) So what if they are fashion illustrations? They are not for a publication so I am free to take liberties with the sizes. They don't have to be unreasonably and unhealthily shaped, they don't have to be stick thin and un-humanly in proportion. I can make them bigger, smaller, rounder, happier. I could make them chibi if I wanted. Think of all the fucking illustrators that push reality in style. Peruse any art blog. Pick up a fucking issue of Juxtapose... EXACTLY. Sure there are some great artists that use human form in cool and admirable ways. BUT there are also a million fucking shitty fucking dudes out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They draw their stupid shit and milk those tits and beef up that ass and I feel really really really fucking pissed off that this is like some stupid learned shit that I'm letting control me!!! Why Am I LETTING IT CONTROL ME??????????? And just like the rest of everything terrible about humanity, it's some evil learned shit that is near-impossible to break out of/break someone else out of. I'm thinking specifically about a situation like: man and woman in illustration house or something. I'm picturing an old tymey newspaper. a woman is in her own body day in and out. She has the same exact capacity for talent and style that anyone else has male or female. Yet that man is more inclined to be successful at illustrations and the woman will be told that she needs to make her style more like the mans which is much less realistic because of it's idealized state. So not only is her natural style being suppressed but this falsified idealism is being pushed on her and most definitely fucking with her!!!! And yes I am the woman in the situation.
3)If there are billions of humans in this world and all are different and beautiful and unique and everyone is special... then why the FUCKKKKK AM I being so GD critical of these drawings????? So what if they don't look like some fucking crappy stupid airbrushed shit????? THAT is NOT REAL ANYWAY!!! Who gives a shit!!!!! I have completely lost touch with what "realistic" is and completely lost touch with what I think is appropriate and inappropriate. All I can think about is all the times in the past (which have been many) that I allowed myself to be manipulated by what someone else (male or female with patriarchal values) thought or did. And I'm really mad about that and I'm really mad about people and this topic obviously could go on and on and on and there are a lot of things I missed (don't forget the disclaimer) and I have to go fucking finish these illustrations now.

Love,
Smog

P.S. Here's a pic for your troubles... it's my art after all